Single: FREE to BE all that God wants me to Be!
In that blog I explained my own experiences of being single and also what I thought being single meant, especially in relation to finding myself. So in this blog, I am taking a similar approach with an extra few bits and bobs here and there to add. So lets call this, part 2 of part 1: Oh You Single Women.
I will most likely be putting myself on blast and answering some questions that others may have for me like: 1) I'm I single, 2) In a relationship? 3) Courting 4) Interested in anyone etc. Ha ha ha, so lets see how this goes, but remember its not all about me...
Just because your single and everyone around you is either coupling up, married or having kids, it doesn't classify you as an outcast or weirdo and especially not forgotten.
I have always loved this verse from Songs of Solomon 8:4 where it states: 'Do not awaken love unless it is ready to be awaken.' (paraphrased)
For me, I see many people even a few times myself jump into a relationship, for the sake of 'not being single' and feeling 'left out'. Or even one of the main points of wanting to be loved. For me, that was one of my major reasons when looking back. But now my prospective has changed.
The road of singleness, never has to be seen as demeaning, neither like you have a disease or to feel like it is the worst place to be. The truth is, I've even heard married couples state they are jealous/envious of those who are still single at times for different reasons, so really and truly can anyone really win this challenges of life? Can we all be satisfied with whatever stage of life we may be in? I believe so, we just have to find our balance and appreciate where we are at unto where we are going, be it single or married.
As for me, being single is refreshing and at times annoying. What do I mean?
Let me explain:
Refreshing
I am free to be me.
I think before you can ever be in a relationship you should always be comfortable in your own skin, you should know who you are, your dislikes and likes and not be afraid of your differences. Why? Because a relationship is introducing someone else into your world as you enter into another's too, will they influence your character, shape or transform you completely? The answer is left with you.
Knowing who you are guards your heart, mind and also your sanity.
For me this stage also enables God to transform and mold you into the women you & I ought to be.
My characteristics are challenged and my patience/faith is tested, especially when it comes to waiting. No-one is perfect, but to me wisdom is the main key.
Annoying
Sometimes as a single individual as much as you are getting on with your life, being shaped and molded into the great women you are, you can get to a point where you may feel like you would love to have a man companion, a cool friend that isn't your (girlfriends) - (love you girlies), and you think sometimes having a guys perspective on things is also well needed, being able to go to the movies with that special someone or even to the restaurant (like a date) etc.
And just to let you know, all the above doesn't make you sound desperate, your human, its natural to feel this way.
I guess the real question in the mist of all this refreshments, annoyance and most of all single talk is: How do you deal with them all?
So here are my top tips:
One, Acknowledgement.
Sometimes its about acknowledging & knowing what you really want, praying and making your requests be known unto God (Philippians 4:6) , after all, He pretty much knows us VERY WELL (Psalm 139). But also trusting that He has heard and will direct you to the right person in the right timing.
Two, without a shadow of a doubt, DON'T STOP LIVING YOUR LIFE.
As much as you would like to be wine and dinned or even just be taken out to the movies by your handsome partner,boyfriend, companion (which ever name you may call him, providing he is not called 'RANDOM') take yourself out. Enjoy your movie nights with your friends. Talk, connect, share your highs and lows and appreciate all the time you can spend with them, because as the saying goes, when someone becomes in a relationship, these type of socials with your besties drop from 100% to about 50/60%... lol, Question: How many of you believe this?
Three, Wake Up.
Don't just wait around, thinking if I stay at home and preserve myself and not go anywhere or do anything, God knows what I want, so I am just going to trust Him to bring the man to me.... Girl you need to wake up, don't worry I used to do the exact same thing, but through learning, this has also now changed. God says He wants you to live your life and enjoy it to the fullest (John 10:10b) and that doesn't mean sitting around waiting on your man to come, there is more to life than that, fulfil your dreams, go above and beyond, let your light shine who knows along that journey your Mr might just meet you along the way.
Four, Don't settle.
I think we can all say that many times its easy to be in a relationship, if you put random guys on your list that you know deep down you cannot see yourself with future wise, why waste your time with entertaining that type of relationship? People's feelings will just get hurt and if you are not careful, you can find yourself in more of a difficult situation than you originally thought you could be in.
So my advice, which I also take on board for myself, don't entertain random guys for the sake of fulfilling an empty hole or an urge that doesn't need to be filled by men but by God.
Five, Date time.
When you do get asked out on a date, especially that you are willing to go on ( for some ladies that are picky at times like myself...yikes) , don't act desperate & paranoid, I truly believe a guy can see this from a mile off. I think for us who has been single for a while, this type of reaction can come naturally, but it doesn't mean it is acceptable.
Stay true to yourself ladies. You may really like this guy, but don't push him away before the waiter can ask you both 'What would like to order?' Take your time and breathe, even if you have to go to the ladies or step outside for a bit of fresh air before allowing this type of behaviour to surface, do so.
I am pretty sure he will still be there when your return, especially if he originally asked you out on a date. Enjoy the moments, every little part counts.
Six, Bagagged.
When we are single, we have enough time to think on past mistakes, relationships, hurts, pains, worry and the list goes on. One thing I have learnt in this journey of being single is to acknowledge all of the above, deal with it and then leave it dealt with. Its one thing to think on these things, but another thing to allow it to control your present and future. No new relationship wants the baggage of an old relationship, so my advice: Deal with it and LET IT GO! (Want to know how to do so? Take a read of my blog titled: LET IT GO!)
Seven, Learn to walk away.
After waiting for so long to be asked out on a date, to be seen/noticed, you finally get asked. But when you finally go out on the date or talk to the person you thought could be 'the one', you come to realise that you don't have anything in common. At this stage I would say: learn to walk away.
Ladies sometimes we hold unto people just so that we don't feel 'alone' again or many other reasons, but to me, this is not healthy, why string someone along because of your selfish ways. Let them go to move on and find someone that shares their feelings as much as they do. And I am sure you will too.
Using people should not ever be a option. When you get a clearer perspective of life, you learn that others have feelings to, if you take heart you will realise so many people are also in the same boat as you, only waiting for the opportunity to step out and be seen. So do them a favour, let them be able to be seen by someone who will love them for them.
This is the same for you too. Holding unto someone that doesn't see your true worth, belittles or mistreat you, is not a relationship to be in. Allow yourself to step out, heal and be seen again by someone who appreciates your beauty both inside and outside.
Eight, Your single and available not desperate nor stuck up.
Ladies some of us are guilty of this one, we can act like we are too nice for some guys, which can make us look stuck up, or like we just don't care, therefore you remain single as you push every guy away. Yes you know what you want but don't be rude with it. Check your attitude.
Also allow guys to understand and know you are single, your not going out on a search for guys but your presenting yourself in a respectable manner, so that guys (who are bold enough) will not feel intimidated to approach you and talk to you.
Sometimes we can seem like we are in a relationship, I used to get this all the time. People used to say, I look married, in a relationship etc, is this a compliment??? I don't know, but either way whatever happens , always look presentable as you never know who is watching, but at the same time, be friendly but not over familiar. Take it easy, your single but not desperate remember that. (Take a read of my previous blog: What's your status Wife/ Desperate Wife? for more insight)
Nine, Work on yourself.
Being single enables you to have a lot of 'me time' no this does not mean being completely all into yourself and ignoring others, this is me saying, take time out to groom yourself (Esther took 1 year before she was ready to step out (Esther 2:12-15), but by this time she was ready), so ladies, learn about what beauty products you like and enhance your beauty through their applications.
As mention in Tip 6: Deal with past relationships baggage or pains, allow yourself to HEAL.
Dress presentable and respectable, cover up what needs to only be seen by your husband and not by the whole world.
Wear a smile rather than a frown, we all have days of ups and downs, but the frown shouldn't define and become your face. Let your smile be radiant.
Kick any foul attitude to the curb, I think as black ladies we get a lot of this stereotype that we always come with attitude but really and truly no matter what race you are, we all need to fix our attitude, if you have one. Lets be friendly and not stand off, allow people to want to be around you, not run away from you.
Ten, Embrace your Singleness.
I really believe if you want to be married, you will be, especially if its your heart desire, according to God's will He will work things out for you.
Its not always easy waiting, but God's timing is always the best timing.
So for the time you are still single, as mentioned above, don't look at it as a curse, look at it as a season of blessings, development and also insight.
Embrace and enjoy the free time you have with your girls, family (love ones) etc. Take time to breathe, travel, be radical and just have FUN!
Life is serious but at the same time it is beautiful and exciting too, so don't let your martial status effect this.
I remember reading one of Priscilla Shirer blog inserts about (All the Single Ladies...Hey-O!) and there was a prayer at the end which stood out to me, now its not your normal looking prayer, be prepared, but what Annetta - the writer of the blog said was this: 'So, single AND married ladies...I think we all need a little prayer for our men, right? Let's lift 'em up instead of tearing 'em down!'
So here is the prayer:
"Father, would you lead and guide my husband to me, IN YOUR TIMING! Would You give him increasing wisdom and discernment in life? Would You help him to build a home for our family? Would You help guard his eyes and heart from impurity? Would You release him from any strongholds and give him a respect for Your Word? Would You draw close in intimacy with him today? Father, would You teach him how to woo me by how YOU woo him? I love You Father, In Jesus Name, AMEN!"
Keep Being Beautiful
God is Love and He loves You!
God is Love and He loves You!
By: Faith Dore
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